Ask The Zone

Dear J-Zone, I’ve been dating a girl for a few weeks and I really like her. Its her birthday soon and I’m not sure what to get her. Any ideas?

A corner to work. Haha, nah I’m jokin, you don’t want her to leave your ass if you really like her. For real, get her something that you really want. Fuck it, it’s the thought that counts. Y’all only been dating a few weeks, this is the perfect time to make small mistakes that you can use to your benefit. After a year, you can’t get away with shit like that, that’s when you gotta  buy all that meaningful shit.

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Dear J-Zone, I think a girl I’m hitting is a few years shy of…you know, being legal like she claims to be. But the head is crazy…should I keep on it?

Yeah man! Real good dome is like a likeable Duke basketball player. It comes along every five years. But in all seriousness, leave that shit alone unless you ready to have a roommate named Big Bruce. No statchies for the Zone! But if you live in Europe, then yeah, go and get ya knob buffed. I think 16 is legal over there.

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Dear J-Zone, how do I become a boss hog barbarian?

Buy the album and $end me the receipt as proof of purchase and I will induct you into Hog Heaven.

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Dear J-Zone, I’m dead broke man, but dammit I wanna ball. How can I be a baller on a budget?

Be cheap. Modell’s got some nice sneakers for under $50. If u got a ride, buy 87 gas, fuck that 93 shit, its all the same. Never, and I mean NEVER pay for dates. Gotta aim high with the ladies, they gotta have jobs. Don’t buy no fuckin drinks either. When you go to the club keep a flask of liquor in ya pocket like my man Poison Pen, or keep a thermos fulla liquor in the car. Get bent before you go in the club, then just order ice water and say its gin & tonic on the rocks. Fuck bein cool holdin a drink. I learned to clip coupons from my grandmoms and that shit helps. I saved like $75 last year from coupons (including Subway clips). Just cut corners man, fuck that. Go get free samples from the food stores, just go in there and jack food. I do that all day from store to store til I’m full, fuck buyin lunch. I always eat at home except for when I’m jackin the food samples.  I would say get back on dial up internet cause this Road Runner is eatin up my doe, but that dial up shit is just too slow. If u got a lotta spare time, then do that shit. Times is hard, save ya doe…and spend it on the wonderful gift of music! (Hint)

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Dear J-Zone, I’m moving to the big city month…can you show the kid around?

Man, I’d love to, but I’m done with Manhattan. I live in Queens, and I hang out here for the most part as of late, unless I’m getting paid to DJ or goin to a specific event for a friend. Manhattan and Brooklyn have been gentrified to death and are only for the rich. Times Square looks like a fuckin Epcot Center Disney World mash up. And I hate NYC nightlife. Sex In The City, that dumb ass stupid ass TV show, them ho’s done fucked up socializing in NYC. That hook nose bitch. My new name is Mr. Don’t Holla. No time to “holla” at these ol rat head broads that dance all stupid when Prince comes on at a party, no buyin drinks, no sightseeing, no dancin, no clubbin, no shit. I dealt with that for years, I can’t take it no more. Then you got the hoodrat big ass earring chicks. All of em, I tell em “Don’t Holla”. Don’t be fooled man, New York fell the fuck off, but there’s some nice low key shit in the outer boroughs where pretentious yuppies and tourists don’t go cause they don’t have many Starbucks with wireless internet in the two fare zones. Come out to Queens and it’s all good. We actually have trees, grass, cool basketball tournaments and a beach out here. You just gotta ride the A, E, F or J trains to the end or fuck with the Long Island Railroad or the bus. But if you wanna be lazy and “cool” and hang in the trendy neighborhoods, you on your own.

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Dear J-Zone, I bet my boy $100 that the Knicks are making the playoffs this year. Whatchu think?

You are $100 poorer and extremely delusional.

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Dear J-Zone, I’m fucking this fine ass chick but she has got chronic dragon breath…how do I drop the hint?

Next time she wanna give you some head, soak your joint in Listerine first.

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Dear J-Zone, I went to the bathroom today and it burned when I pissed. I slept with two broads yesterday…one being my girlfriend. How do I find out who burned me?

Have one of your homies bone your girl. If he gets burnt, HO-micide her.

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Dear J-Zone, is Kobe really the best player in the NBA?

Good question. I think he is the most talented and the best individual one on one player in the NBA for sure, love him or hate him. But Dwayne Wade and Lebron James are better team players and have better all around games, and are thus more like MVP candidates. Kobe is technically the best player, but if I was building a franchise, I would take Wade first, then Lebron, then Kobe.

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Dear J-Zone, I got a 1999 Nissan Altima and when I tried to talk to a girl the other day btich told me she needs to “upgrade me.” How the hell should I feel about that?

If she don’t like the ride, tell her to buy you a new one. If she don’t comply, then kick her out at the bus stop. If she still talks trash, then “upgrade” your foot to the gas and run over her ass.

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Dear J-Zone, how do I preserve my sexy?

Buy my CD and a bottle of Proactiv. Hey, it works for Diddy. Haha, all jokes aside, I guess just stay in shape, stay confident and keep a good attitude. Sexy is 80% how you carry yourself, cause I know a lotta good lookin girls that ain’t sexy. Just be yourself. I’m assuming this is a woman asking this right? Haha, I hope!

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Dear J-Zone, my wifey says she is gonna leave my ass cause I was bumping Pregnant Pussy by UGK during her baby shower. Is it just me or is she over reacting?

Another qualude, she’ll love you in the morning.

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Email all of your questions to J-Zone at  editor@hiphopdx.com