J. Cole has no shortage of emotionally-stirring songs in his catalog, but there’s one in particular that hits hard for the man himself.
During the latest episode of his audio series Inevitable, the Dreamville rapper was listening back to “Can I Holla At Ya,” from his 2013 EP Truly Yours, when he broke down crying.
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The song, which prominently samples Lauryn Hill‘s “To Zion,” finds Cole reflecting on the pain of his stepfather abandoning their family and the devastating impact that it had on his mother.
After hearing the verse in question, Cole audibly choked up and admitted: “Bro, that shit just hit me crazy.”
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The North Carolina native then spent the next several minutes trying to hold back his tears while talking about the track, becoming overcome with emotion at multiple points.
“At the time, writing the song, I was about to be 27, I think. So I was only eight years removed from him leaving the family and seeing my mom spiral to a real low,” he explained.
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“The line that fucked me up just now was, ‘When you left, I watched that lady crumble.’ It’s like, ‘Oh shit. Damn,'” Cole added, choking up again.
“In that moment, I must have wanted that n-gga to feel that shit […] That’s why it’s hitting me ’cause I can hear the hurt.”
Cole also revealed that he and his stepdad, Edward, have since repaired their relationship and that he has come to understand his stepdad’s decision to leave their family.
“Thank God, right now, as of a few years ago, we’re back in touch, we’re cool, everything is good,” he said. “We talked today. I love this dude. And clearly, I always loved this dude.”
He added: “Now, at 37, I’m like, Man, I understand everybody’s perspective. I understand life. Everything happens for a reason. My mom was in her space, he was in his space. They even met because they were in similar spaces.
“A lot of relationships are built on toxic traits from childhood trauma that we don’t know how to deal with. So I understand now that he was just making decisions that were best for him at the time, doing the best that he could, and she was doing the best she could.”
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The segment can be heard here, starting at the 49:48 mark.
The “Middle Child” MC previously revealed in an interview with Vulture that his estranged stepfather inspired his alter ego Kill Edward, which he debuted on his 2018 album KOD.
