The news that Waka Flocka Flame was running to serve as the greatest country in the world’s 45th POTUS hit us like a bill at Mr. Chows. Like, really? But it’s happening! And Waka has been out in the streets asking people how they feel about their country and shaking hands. He’s even got DJ Whoo Kid as his running mate. Which makes as much sense as Joe Biden, but we’re not complaining about the legendary DJ getting a shot at immortality. In fact, we’re celebrating this as a win for everyone. Imagine a Waka Flocka Flame presidency replete with marijuana getting legalized on the federal level and no more open toed sandals. It would be perfect, almost. Well, sort of. In truth he’d probably be a middle-right leaning Democrat with right wing economic leanings. But we digress! And we know he’s not exactly qualified — you’ve got to be 35 because America doesn’t trust young people — but the fantasy was too much to resist.
But what would his cabinet be like? That’s what we posited as we decided to create the fantasy Waka Flocka presidency of our dreams. So look below as we take you on our tour of Waka’s perhaps stint in the world’s most famous west wing.
President Of The United States: Waka Flocka Flame
In truth we’d like this blurb to be nothing but flame emojis, but we can’t all have what we want. He’d be the second black male presidency in a row for a country that tried its best to skewer the first one. So here’s a few things he’d need to avoid that Barack Obama couldn’t:
- Give your constituency a large amount of purp.
- Make sure to extend that generosity across the aisle
- Break the Republican roadblock in the House by convincing them you won’t raise taxes on anything except weed. (You’re lying, but that’s life)
- While everyone is high, bring our entire squadron home.
- Hit them with all that Waka Flocka charisma instead of that pure Barackian logic.
- Remind them that we’re all, as a nation, Brick Squad.
Vice President Of The United States: DJ Whoo Kid
Not only will Whoo Kid know how to tote the burner himself for his president, but imagine just how good those daily press conferences in the Rose Garden will get with Whoo Kid on the one’s-and-two’s. “Hard In Da Paint” is the theme song, obviously, and you can expect features on any given day with the access Hip Hop is now going to have to the White House. Brick Squad!
First Lady Of The United States: Tammy Rivera
What’s a United States President without his first lady? Though the majority of American citizens may remember Tammy Rivera from her time on VH1’s Love & Hip Hop Atlanta, she’s known to be a ride-or-die chick at heart. Having entrepreneurial experiences herself, she is known for a hair extension and bathing suit line. When it comes to things of political importance, Rivera’s platform could revolve around responsible gun ownership as she’s a registered firearms owner.
The Secretary of State: OJ Da Juiceman
The mission the State Department says it has is as follows: “The Department’s mission is to shape and sustain a peaceful, prosperous, just, and democratic world and foster conditions for stability and progress for the benefit of the American people and people everywhere.” Who better to fulfill that role than OJ Da Juiceman? Not only does he have an intimate knowledge of drug paraphernalia, finally giving the U.S. a chance at controlling the trillion dollar drug trade that passes across its shores yearly, but the man knows how to handle conflict. He’s also able to show the other side of the trap, which is so important considering the U.S monitors traps all over the world in real time every single day. A few of them we even created, but you have to break some eggs if you’re going to make the best Democratic omlet ever.
The Secretary of Defense: Migos
Three heads are always better than one. And anyone who saw that Noisey documentary on ATL should know these ATLiens can handle their business; so why not a whole country? Not only will the ad-libs actually be portraying military operations in foreign lands but they wear “Versace,” are “Handsome and Wealthy” and they’re always down to knock the pussy out like “Fight Night.” Which, if you look on the $100 dollar bill is low-key the American motto.
The Attorney General: 50 Cent
Less than a week ago, the U.S. made history by electing its first African American women Attorney General in United States Attorney General. What could be even more monumental? The election of 50 Cent himself makes sense due to the DJ Whoo Kid association. Someone with as much experience in and around the penal system like Fiddy should be able to help end police brutality or Wall Street corruption.
The Secretary Of Labor: Chief Keef
All that nonsense they tell you every election about hope, change and what have you as well as all that more jobs, big houses, and big cars gobbledygook all comes down to this one person. They’re the person that puts fire to the kettle of socioeconomic change and, you know what, Chief Keef is pretty great at that. The kid went from making beats and rhymes in his crib to taking over the rap game for a season. And on his highly underrated major label debut Finally Rich he delivers modern advice for the aspiring hustler.
The Secretary of the Treasury: Gucci Mane
Doesn’t make sense to talk money without mentioning Gucci Mane. Who else in Hip Hop was able to make millions from behind bars through mixtape and album releases? Maybe that’s the plan, secure the financial security of the nation’s future through Radric Davis’ back catalogue.
Department Of Homeland Security: Young Thug
Hey, he got them “dicks” with him. Pause. Maybe America would be better off entrusting their safety with someone who promised to leave “pussy boi dead” and call it dedication. That’s what terrorist, evildoers and anyone threatening United States Citizens need to hear. Young Thug’s eccentric self seems ready for all that’s standing in the way of domestic freedoms.
White House Chief Of Staff: Debra Antney
The White House Chief Of Staff has always been important in the grand scheme of an elected official’s presidency. They essentially form the initial staff, manage flow and insure the interest of the president is held at all times. For Waka, why not have his mother Debra Antney handle the job. She isn’t just any old mother of a rapper either. Alongside formulating Waka’s career, she’s taken a role in the early careers of Gucci Mane, Nicki Minaj and French Montana. She’s great at finding future success.
Andre Grant is an NYC native turned L.A. transplant that has contributed to a few different properties on the web and is now the Features Editor for HipHopDX. He’s also trying to live it to the limit and love it a lot. Follow him on Twitter @drejones.
Ural Garrett is an Los Angeles-based journalist and HipHopDX’s Senior Features Writer. When not covering music, video games, films and the community at large, he’s in the kitchen baking like Anita. Follow him on Twitter @Uralg.