Rappers, like people (as they are actually people, not super bionic drug-selling, killing machines), come in all different shapes and sizes. Regardless of said shapes and sizes, rappers talk a whole lot of shit; “I’ll beat this down,”“I’ll stomp this out,” blah, blah, blah. You know how it is. Of course, some emcees look like they could back it up and then some, others? Eeeeh, not so much. So for your first of many installments of Dre & J Got Five On It, here are 5 rappers who talk tough and look tougher and 5 rappers who talk a gang a shit but look as scary as a kitten.
Talk Tough/Look Tough
Freddie Foxx – Cars lock on their own when he walks by, Mike Tyson wouldn’t want to see him in a dark alley and he has Bad Mutha Fucker engraved on his heart. Yes…Freddie Foxx aka Bumpy Knuckles can and will fuck you up. We don’t give a fuck if he spits a love song, by the time that joint fades out YOU will feel like you’ve been raped. We aren’t sure there is a photographer on this planet that got a snapshot of him THINKING about happy things that is still roaming the earth today. Foxx don’t play and I pity the fool that has a run in with Bumpy. The nickname ain’t for nothing.
DMX – Look…this dude barks at you for a living. We can act as if DMX isn’t off his rocker but c’mon now. He rhymes aggressive, looks aggressive, he probably plays with small children aggressively. The type of guy who looks like he snuffed out his baby mama’s mama, smoked a pound of hash and waited for the cops to arrive for a wild wild west shootout. His character in Belly seemed to hit way too close to home and many of us are certain that he’s convinced himself he’s an actual rabid dog. All those fits of criminal activity attached to Dark Man X puts an exclamation point on his resume’. He looks like the Webster definition of crazy. Disagree?
Ice Cube(w/ the curl) – The most imposing scowl ever. I’m sure that the boys in blue have pissed their pants on occasion when viewing the Ice Cube mean mug. Not to mention he penned rhymes for the pioneers of this gangsta shit (NWA) and his own classic Cube-isms like “Black Korea”, “Cave Bitch”, “The Wrong Nigga to Fuck Wit” and the wonderful “Get Off My Dick and Tell Yo’ Bitch to Come Here.” I dare you not to tell your broad to give up the nappy dug out when he demands her number. Somebody was getting effed up and it may as well not be you right? All this plus the drippy, glistening curl? Shiiiiiiiit!
Kool G Rap – Diss him about his lisp. I fucking double dog dare you. Dude tough talked his way through the 80’s with a speech impediment and nobody said shit. The original gangsta back when Dre was rocking lip gloss and sequins and telling you to “Turn Off The Lights”. And when you write a rhyme that says “I’m leaving floods of blood on your mattress/I’ll leave you holdin’ your swollen backside and rollin’/fillin’ all three holes just like bowlin’” and you realize that he’s talking about “making love”(“I’ll leave ’em lookin’ like a rape victim” WTF???) – just imagine what he’d do to someone he ain’t loving.
M.O.P. – Ummmmmm…yeah…We’re scared to say something wrong here because Lil Fame and Billy Danzini might very well come over the crib and wreck shop. Every song is about fucking something up. “Ante Up” was about robbing fools and it was a hit. All they ever did was yell at you. And when this dynamic duo was revealed to the world via the music video a collective gasp could be heard from living rooms across the globe. Some held their children close, others added a security lock or two and many filed a restraining order for someone they haven’t even met.
Suge Knight (Honorable Mention) – Yeah, we said this is about rappers who talk and look tough but you can’t have a list without the notorious Suge Knight. The man is built like a monster and out of all the people you would think Satan could be if he walked the earth – Knight fits the bill. Haven’t you all wondered how he’s accomplished all the shit he’s done and lived for this long? Who else can systematically deny imposing his will like he does without anyone openly questioning his lifestyle. There are some people who would celebrate in the streets if the news reported Knight was murked ( Don’t front…deep down inside you would too) and the assailant would be catapulted into the throngs of glory. We’re convinced God and Lucifer beef over who created him and who is responsible for housing him when he finally passes away.
Talk Tough/Look Wimpy
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Prodigy – The pint-sized Mobb Deep front man was the inspiration for this half of the list for sure. He is the definition of the rapper who spews a never ending trail of threats despite looking like your kid brother could stomp his ass out…no matter how hard he tries to mean mug (which just makes it even sadder). The funny thing is, not only does he look pussy, he actually gets snuffed on the regular (Keith Murray, Tru Life, etc), and dressed like a ballerina.
Ja Rule – Jeffrey Atkins was suspect long before 50 ruined his career, not only is he small enough to fit in the pouch of your hoody but he usually resembles an 8 year old kid trying to make his meanest face in the mirror. All of this was of course made worse when it was confirmed that Ja was in fact Stuart Little.
T.I. – Now T.I. (or T.I.P.) certainly doesn’t fall into a category with the above two as we highly suspect T.I. and notorious temper could probably whip some ass. Nevertheless, the man is TINY. You don’t really realize it ‘til you see him up close but dude looks to be about 5’6 and maybe 130. Rubber band man indeed, he probably wears one as a belt.
Cam’ron – When “Killa” Cam is not chilling poolside in short shorts and on Walmart’s finest patio furniture, Cam is on wax playing gangster while wrapped in pink or purple clothing. Oh, and these pink and purple ensembles are often fur. Oh boy, that is gay.
Lil’ Wayne – Don’t be fooled by the mess of tattoos (including the one of his “daddy” Baby…yuck) or those cute little teardrops, and certainly don’t pay attention to the constant threats of violence in his lyrics. I’m not gonna bag on his extra medium shirts (cause they’re better than the 12XL one’s he used to wear), or his well documented affinity for kissing other men. It’s just that he looks like the same little midget douche he did when he was 12.
There you have it kids. We’re sure there are gonna be a bunch of Stans who can’t wait to shell out their finest bag of “ether” because their favorite rapper got dissed but do you think we care? Nah…not really. It’s all in good natured fun and is supposed to have ya’ll talking. And just think, Dre & J Got 5 On It will be coming your way every gotdamn month. We hope you enjoyed reading this as much as we enjoyed writing it.
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