We here at HipHopDX almost didn’t have a Turkey Awards this year. It wasn’t for any real reason, other than the fact that we’d much rather stare at the C-section and delete all of the trolling with our handy Comment Zapper instead of actually having to write things. That’s a joke (that’s also a joke), but then when the editorial brain trust got together to really discuss it, we were like, “Hold the smartphone. There was so much unnecessary shullbit that happened this year, how could we NOT hold a Turkey Awards? So there’s the story behind that, and for your viewing pleasure, we proudly serve you a first, second, and third helping of the 2013 HipHopDX Turkey Awards, celebrating all of the irreverent behavior, madness, and WTF moments this year. Gobble gobble, bitches.
The “#Niptuck” Award
Suffice it to say Mr. Cee is going to be way more selective the next time he plays “Make The Music With Your Mouth Biz” or Akinleye’s “Put It In Your Mouth” during the “Throwback at Noon” mix. After being caught soliciting yet another male prostitute and temporarily resigning from his post at Hot 97 in September, Cee said he was worried about losing the respect of the streets. The streets? Cee couldn’t even wrap his head around the concepts of bisexuality or homosexuality after admitting he liked getting top. From other men. His collection of vinyl isn’t the only thing that was mixed up.
The “Stay Trippy” Award
Lil Wayne says he wasn’t sippin’ sizzurp during his “And I Fucked Chris Bosh Wife”-rant during NBA All-Star Weekend. “First of all, I ain’t even have a cup,” Weezy said in his non-apology the following week. “I can’t drink anything. Actually, I had a little bit too much to think that night. I don’t apologize for that night. I don’t apologize for who I am…”
We get it, Weezy. You were salty because Dwayne Wade said the Miami Heat “don’t fuck with you” during the team’s previous matchup with your beloved Los Angeles Lakers and that supposedly the NBA removed you from the arena and banned you from attending subsequent games. We’d be salty, too. Sincerely, we hear you.
But listen to yourself. You’re in Houston trash-talking your home address’s home team. You’ve got Drake shirking to the corner of the stage doing everything possible to distance himself from your irrational tirade. Then, in the fallout, you told Miami’s 99 Jamz that “Actually, I was just having a conversation with Baby on stage when I said that…I wasn’t on a radio station. I wasn’t in front of nobody’s video camera.” Tunechi, if you haven’t noticed…EVERYBODY HAS A VIDEO CAMERA! It’s literally attached to the same device that keeps your critically dwindling catalog. If you weren’t sippin’ that night or in the days after, we can’t tell. And if porn star, Kelly Divine’s assertions are accurate, Chris Bosh can keep his ego intact.
The “We De-Pressed!” Award
I’m pretty sure you can tell from DJ Khaled’s various selfies on instagram with the same pitiful looking pose that he is clearly Suffering From Depression. Maybe it’s because earlier this year he proposed to YMCMB label-mate Nicki Minaj with a 10 karat $500,000 diamond ring and well…nothing came out of it. Khaled later claimed that the proposal was just a joke and all in his “plans” to do promo for his new record “I Wanna Be With You.” As much time as you spend pondering with your hand on your head, I would think that you would of come up with a better “plan.”
Photo credit: MTV
The “I Ain’t Pass The Bar But I Know A Little Bit” Award
2 Chainz’s Weed Carrier
Who needs to plead the Fifth Amendment when you’ve got your own copy of The Constitution on deck? When 2 Chainz’s tour bus was pulled over in Oklahoma in August, a police officer involved said he first “smelled an overwhelming odor of marijuana” when the door to the tour bus was opened by the vehicle’s driver, Sedric A. Brooks. The officer then witnessed what he says was “smoke inside the bus around the door.” Too bad the cop tried to board the bus, as a passenger onboard 2 Chainz’ tour bus presented a miniature copy of the U.S. Constitution when asked by authorities to get off the bus. Sorry, copper. No entry. True, this simply delayed the inevitable arrest of 2 Chainz and others on the bus for obstructing a police officer. The two semi-automatic pistols, a 12-gauge pump shotgun and marijuana residue allegedly found on the bus likely didn’t help Chainz’s cause either, but the episode shows the power of a different type of rolling papers.
The “Keep It Lambskin” Award
Lil Bow Wow’s Transsexual Catfish Doppelganger
How could we have a Turkey Award without talking about one of the most awkwardly hilarious moments this year in television? In case you’ve been living under a rock the past couple of months, Bow Wow was the subject of a “Catfish” episode where someone impersonated him for six months in the hopes of seducing one of his fans. Here’s the thing: the person impersonating him was a transsexual named Dee Pimpin’. When asked how she tricked so many woman into believing she was a man, she gave the most obvious answer there was, a Lambskin Dildo…yup, lambskin. Oh and of course, Bow Wow being the egotistical being that he is, was honored to be impersonated. Then again it’s about the most publicity he’s got this year so I guess I’d be flattered, too.
The “We Swear They’re Not On DX Payola” Award
Drake & Eminem
Forgive us for overposting two of the hottest names in Hip Hop this year. Sure, one is a rap veteran, a “Rap God” if you will, and the other happens to coo as much as he raps but they both have one thing in common (and no it’s not a co-sign from Rick Rubin), a platinum album in 2013. If 1,000,000 people bought albums, then 1,000,000 people will Google DrakEminem. Makes sense, right? That’s part of the reasoning. You know, games and players and whatnot.
The “Still A Short Bus Shawty” Award
Is Gucci Mane certifiably, batshit crazy? To paraphrase LaFlare himself, “Bitch, he might be.” After inking a triple ice cream scoop on his face in January of 2011, we didn’t expect a coherent train of logic from Radric. And he didn’t disappoint. Gucci tried to drop Waka Flocka Flame from Brick Squad—despite the fact that Waka’s mom originally signed Gucci to her Mizay Entertainment imprint. He went on an epic Twitter rant in September that pretty much ended any hopes of collaborating with another Hip Hop artist. He followed that up with admitting a lean addiction and was arrested for carrying a concealed weapon, disorderly conduct and marijuana possession.
In a vacuum, none of this is funny. It’s actually quite sad. But instead of getting the help he clearly needs, this ‘bama would rather keep accumulating misdemeanors, mediocre mixtapes and slumming it around The A in “smedium” shirts like he’s six months pregnant with a bowling ball. That earns both a Turkey Award and a seat in the rear of the shawt bus underneath the vent where it’s nice and cold. “Brrr!”
The “It’s Deeper Than Rap” Award
First we were horrified when we heard about the seizure. Then we cringed when we saw that picture of you soon after at that Hot Wings spot. But that was late 2011, so we figured you’d had your fill of succulent self-sabotage. And maybe you didn’t know that fried chicken isn’t the best seizure remedy.
Then we watched as you taunted the Gangster Disciples by placing yourself atop the notorious gang’s six-pointed symbol on the Black Bar Mitzvah album cover after knowing they took offense to “BMF’s” gratuitous name-dropping of incarcerated GD-leader, Larry Hoover and again we cringed. And when reports reigned that you narrowly escaped a barrage of bullets earlier this year—allegedly by those same GDs that spent months prior issuing YouTube death threats towards you—again we were horrified. But maybe you didn’t know that real gangsters move with machine guns.
But then you drop a suspect rape lyric on Rocko’s “U.O.E.N.O.,” drop an even more suspect “apology” on Twitter once the shit hit the proverbial fan causing Reebok to subsequently drop your endorsement deal and well, now we’re all cringed out. Clearly, you’re your own worst enemy, Rozay. We’re starting to believe that, actually, you did know it.
The “I’m Over Lord Jamar” Award
We live in a world where children are dying of starvation, people are being abused and wrongfully profiled, losing their lives in the process. Natural disasters are wiping out entire cities. And Lord Jamar is angry at Hip Hop. Way. To. Go. So glad you found such a worthy cause to dedicate your life to. Being a legendary Hip Hop artist in the game, it’s understandable how you may not be pleased with Rap’s current trajectory. But enough is enough. To quote Nicki Minaj the day she threw Lil’ Kim right under the bus, “Where’s your music?” Give us something better to ingest if you think we’re all riddled in fuck shit. Until then, please stop, because like your part in Oz, all good things must come to an end. You’re an architect of Hip Hop, and we can’t wait for you to start acting like it again. Don’t let it go to your head, no.
The “I’m Sitting Alone At Lunch Because I Sonned All Of My Friends” Award
Kendrick Lamar should’ve been the lead on “No New Friends,” because after his verse on “Control,” he had no friends left. K-Dot basically sat at lunch and told the whole table that they had acne as he stroked his baby smooth face. That’s what he did lyrically. It’s not like he didn’t have a just cause to do so. But damn, Kendrick. We know you prefer the company of Black Hippy and the rest of TDE, but some of those guys you dissed actually liked you at one time. Now you probably have to act all awkward at parties or like not comment on their Facebook posts. Talk about a pain in the ass. Hopefully your inevitable GQ diss track won’t have you shitting on every magazine and website, since ya know, we like posting about you and stuff.
The “14 Minutes & Fifty-Seven Seconds” Award
There should be a time frame for when an artist can start saying fuck shit. No seriously, have more than one hit single before you start melting down on stage and claiming K.O.N.Y. status. It lacks luster and it’s all around not cute. Since TJ has basically nothing particularly interesting going on at the moment (a Molly immunity perhaps?), he’s taken to disrespecting New York City, which as many of you already know is like a sin against humanity according to New Yorkers. Maybe his head band is on too tight, but he needs to stop already. “All Gold Everything” was a long time ago, bae. Either have some music to back your hysteria or sit the fuck down.
The “3.5 Percent Nation” Award
HipHopDX Album Reviews
Peace to the Gods and Earths. We like 3.5 ratings. You know why? Because if we think an album sucks but we know you love it, a 3.5 is our polite way of saying “I’ma let you finish but…” That’s only half-true. A 3.5 basically means we have no idea how to feel about you. It’s like going on a date and the person has a wonderful personality but a face like foodie pictures Martha Stewart posts (Google that reference, kids). You love a few things, but then there’s the ugly truth. So yes, when you see a 3.5, just know it means we can’t make up our damn minds. Don’t be mad.
The “It’s Not a Skirt, It’s a Kilt” Award
It wasn’t a joke when Wu-Tang Clan said they were nothing to fuck with. Like, just don’t do it. But you know how Drake gets, always looking for something to do wrong so he can cry about it later on. Wah wah, I just went to the strip club and spent $1,000 so now my Starbucks budget is cut in half for the month, let me write a song about it. Wah wah, Wu-Tang isn’t nice to me in these streets so let me make a whole song where I jack everything about them and hope that will make them love me like Weezy loves me. Really, Drizz? RZA forewarned that cats were turning Hip Hop into R&B, and once Drake tried it, the Wu fans fought back. Lesson learned: If it’s not yours, it’s not yourz.
The “Hits Keep Comin'” Award
You have to pretty much lack all self-awareness to tenderize a woman’s face like a side of beef and then wonder why people aren’t fucking with you. Somehow, after making himself the number one contender for the Ike Turner Lifetime Achievement Award, Breezy managed to score more hits without his fists. But then he reverted and got into it with Robin Roberts on “Good Morning America.” And comedienne Jenny Johnson on Twitter. And Frank Ocean in a parking lot. And Drake in a club. And his mom. If he really idolizes the late, great Michael Jackson as much as he claims to, then Brown needs to chill with the fuckboy antics and take some notes from the “Man in the Mirror.”
The “My Bad, Those Were Motivational Speeches” Award
Kanye West’s Rants
Kanye West doesn’t know what “using your inside voice” means unless he’s on “The Kris Jenner Show.” Every time Kanye talks, it sounds like he’s yelling at you for something you did wrong. Like, you’re never right when he’s addressing the world at large. So when he claimed his rants were in fact “motivational speeches,” it’s like motivating us to do what exactly? Go to therapy? Listen to sad songs in the fetal position while we wait for him to be nice to us? Nothing productive has ever come from yelling, Yeezus. Unless of course you’re a football coach and we’re all heading to the SuperBowl. That’s not true though and neither is the effectiveness of your speeches.
The “Reverse Puberty” Award
Kanye West’s New Voice
Something happened in between Kanye West putting on that leather skirt during the “Watch The Throne” Tour and knocking up Kim Kardashian that left his voice a mere shell of what it once was. Watch any interview over the past year, and Ye’s voice sounds like he was kicked in the testicles by a steel-toed boot. Many think his balls are now resting on Kris Jenner’s dresser, while others assume he’s trying to make his voice more “mainstream.” Whatever the case may be, you need to cut the shit, Yeezus. Stop with that weird voice you have now. Auto-Tune it if you have to, whatever it takes to not talk like that. Because one day it’s going to stay that way and your album will have to be titled My Terrible High-Pitched Voice Sounding Like My Testicles Were Twisted Fantasy.
The “We Want Pre-Nup” Award
Kim Kardashian & Kanye West
On “Clique,” Kanye casually rhymed, “My girl a superstar all from a home movie,” like the footage was just some quaint frames of Kim Kardashian at a family reunion. Nah, bruh. The “home movie” in question features Ray J applying vigorous backshots to the woman who is now Kanye’s fiancée and the mother of his child. So while her past flings with Reggie Bush, Miles Austin and Kris Humphries are enough to resurrect the infamous “We want pre-nup!” catchphrase from “Gold Digger,” may we suggest another one from Late Registration? “Wake up, Mr. West!”
TURKEY OF THE YEAR AWARD
Dear ‘Ye, the vote was unanimous. From spawning a lovechild with our generation’s Marilyn Monroe (as you have lovingly called her) to beefing with a late night show host (and dragging Ben Affleck along with him), it was only apt for us to hand you, Kanye Omari West, the Turkey Of The Year award. Okay, in one breath, let us review Yeezy in 2013: RantsMorphingKimKardashianIntoABeyonceLookALikeCreativeGeniusNamingHisFirstBornNorthWest#NODISRESPECTTOBENAFFLECK. *takes deep breath* Enjoy your award, Yeezus, as it is only given out to THE creative genius of the year.
Happy Thanksgiving From All Of Us To All Of You – The Staff At HipHopDX
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