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Slap-Boxing With Jesus

Michigan: The Gulliest State Of All Time

Let’s all be perfectly honest: who really cares that a bonafide fat ass like Rick Ross used to be a correctional officer when most of us were trying to decide which female high school classmate would give up the goods with the least amount of hesitation? I for one never liked any of his music - much less the very sight of him - to begin with. I’m pretty sure if it weren’t for the fame and fortune, duke would rock Cheetos-stained fingertips with all kinds of crust and dust mites underneath his left breast and smelling like rancid horchata, like most fat people I’ve been around in swap meets across the city.

Great. I just deaded my appetite with that disturbing visual.

Besides, if Lil Wayne can give mouth love to his surrogate pops and still push a brazillion copies of his overrated grape drink coaster, I see no reason why home slice can’t do the same, and he’s just as talented as duke, i.e. not really talented at all. That’s the great (worst?) thing about rap: the audience is fickle as shit and have insanely short attention spans. I’m pretty sure one of them would even say they enjoy the occasional pegging every now and then and not only would their faithful legionaries would give some ass-backward excuse like, “Oh, he just does that to expand his mind, and that’s what makes him so great” or some retarded bullshit, they’d likely turn a shy eye from that shit.

Pssh. Malarkey, I say.

So needless to say I’ve spent my copious amounts perusing the Internets – that is, when I’m not yoking music and leafing through pictures of feminine chesticles – reading more about the state of the economy in this country as compared to everywhere else. If now isn’t as good a time as any to move to our redheaded stepchildren of the north – Canada, that is – I don’t know when is. When the American dollar is weaker than the Mexican peso, shit is seriously all kinds of fucked up.

But no other state has probably caught the bidness as bad as Michigan has. Then again, this is the same state where Ron Artest and Jermaine O’Neal were gift-wrapping haymakers for Piston fans, so we already know what’s up. Add on the fact that their once-thriving automobile financial system has been shot to hell ever since not enough gas was getting raped from Middle Eastern countries and bitchmade hybrids made in Japan are more rampant in the hood than liquor stores thus shutting down the factories out here and creating a new world order of anarchy, and you have hands down the rawest state in America.

And that’s all due respect to Killadelphia and Bodymore. Y’all cats have more bodies than days.

Word to the rise of any aspiring artist out of Michigan: get the fluck up out of there quickfast, because it seems like most of the talent out there are allergic to death or something. Dilla died of some shit I never even heard of until I found out he had it; that’s like getting murked off by a disease named after yourself, like amyotrophic lateral sclerosis.

Now – as if that shit wasn’t a police state to begin with – they’re actually banning “sagging pants.” Now, I’m not gonna front like that’s a bad thing, since most cats who do sag look like they’ve spent way too much time in a grab-your-ankles, federally-sponsored vacation, nor are they the first state to do so - as Chicago has been doing it for a while now, but that’s simple a testament to how gully they are, despite how Common, Lupe and Kanye would look otherwise – but how raw is it that a state would actually allow that to go down in the first place? If they mandated that every child born would have to rock an electronic monitoring device around their ankles, that’d be the icing on the cake.

To top it off? Their best rapper is some white boy. Imagine all the rings of fire he had to hurdle through to get that type of recognition and respect. Inglewood may be known for Reginald Denny getting his cranium cracked with a cinder block in retaliation for Rodney King getting his own wig split by a Billy club or for Jerry Buss having to move the Lakers downtown because he kept getting robbed by fans at home games, but we ain’t got shit on Michigan.

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